The Who and the What

The "Who"
Welcome to the first post on this blog. A little about me: My name is Matthew, I am 35 years old, married to an amazing woman, a Christian who actively seeks God, a worker in the Information Technology field, a part-time musician, a son, and a brother. The most pertinent fact for this blog is that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by a female school teacher. For over 20 years, I have lived as a victim and have watched that perspective destroy much of my life. I have lived in constant turmoil, pain, anxiety, frustration, guilt, depression, sadness, hopelessness, chaos, and fear. My abuse started when I was 12, consumed my teenage years, and then ate away at my 20's when I stayed in a twisted, horrible, codependent relationship with my abuser. Essentially, I was a hurt 12-year-old for 20 years.

The What
And now there is this blog. As my inner twistings of my abusive past (and my unwillingness, or inability to deal with it) has led me almost destroy my life again, I've turned to face the demon. To do so, I have engaged my amazing wife in open (albeit ugly, detail-wise) dialog, started counseling with a qualified therapist, and have begun a reading every book about childhood sexual abuse (especially related to boys/men) that I can find. It is often suggested (in the books, by therapist, by wife) that my thoughts and feelings need to be journaled, tracked, and recorded. The first reason for this blog is just for that: so that I can journal my thoughts and feelings and see what's going on in the landmine field of a head I have. Why a blog, you may ask? Because in my quest for information, I have found a lonely wasteland with no information. To become a true survivor, one can no longer feel isolated and alone, but I did. I didn't see anyone talking about male sexual abuse, there were no support groups near me...and it was terrifying to go through this process without the empathy and understanding that can only come from other survivors. This blog is out there for anyone who needs it, so that a victim can see that there's at least 1 other person on this planet that honestly "gets it" and supporters of victims can see another survivor's writings and may find something that helps them. My abuse cannot be without a purpose.

One important note: I hope to start a dialog with people viewing this blog and encourage you to contact me. I would love to hear from you. HOWEVER, if you are a survivor and you need help, especially if you are contemplating suicide, PLEASE GET PROFESSIONAL HELP IMMEDIATELY. I am not a therapist and have no psychology credentials, but people are available to help you. I will be glad to talk with anyone about the fear of getting help, but it's really just important that you do get that help. Let this blog and my journaling let you know - you are not alone...and take that and become a victor, just as I am trying to do.

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