keeping out of the extremes

I've been leaving my wife out too much. I saw being a victim as all talk, all neediness...so recently I've been charging along on my own, but not really talking to my wife about the details...I've missed it and she misses it...it's just been scary to even venture anywhere that ~could~ be "victim-ish"...I am so determined not to be a victim any longer...but I really do have to talk with my wife...

high tide thoughts

I absolutely love the ocean...I find it fascinating, exciting, and beautiful. One way the ocean proves it's power is through rough waves. I've been out in the surf before and been hit with a wave, only to stand up in time to have another smack me down. And on, and on...

Fighting against the thought patterns that the abuse, and the coping with the abuse, created is a lot like those waves. I find myself actively dismissing thoughts throughout the day...talking to myself when I feel a "wave" rise up: "no, that's not right...the way to think is...". It really is amazing how many "waves" there are...they swell all day long...it's truly exercise to fight them down. I know that the key is to challenge them and replace them repeatedly, until the new thoughts take root, but it is a battle. A battle I will win though...surf's up!

consistency

I had a great weekend - I truly connected with my wife on all levels, I was very happy, very productive...it was wonderful. I have an understanding (finally) that I can't rest in the happy moment though...recovering from abuse and the resulting psychology makes me think of an alcoholic that doesn't drink for a weekend - the fight continues after the weekend. I'm very blessed and happy that I finally have the cognitive recognition that this isn't just about getting a happy moment and then letting life run in the status quo...I really do know that I have to fight and heal every single day...and I'm actually energized about this journey.

tool turns to weapon

One of the more difficult things (aren't almost all of the "things" with abuse recovery falling under the category of "difficult?) to come to terms with in recovery is how things that were helpful tools during the abuse have actually turned into weapons after the abuse. A prime example for me in panic...obviously, panic during the abuse is understandable and probably to be expected. It was an appropriate reaction that rose up in circumstances of danger. Unfortunately, during the abuse, those circumstances were common and pretty much constant. Thus, panic ripped out of control for quite a while.

Now, after the abuse, my panic has 2 problems. First, it triggers strangely, quickly, and out of balance with the situation I'm facing. I can go from 0 to panic in no time, without a throttle, and often without real cause.

The second problem is how I've built it into my life. As an older, more mature person, I actually use panic to avoid dealing with things I don't want to deal with. Panic has become a "trump card" of sorts. Now that I've accepted that I'm in recovery, this use can't happen any more. It keeps me away from real responsibility, which is necessary to grow. It also keeps me from dealing with situations that are unpleasant in a reasonable way. Unfortunately, unpleasant situations can't be avoided.

Panic used in this manner quickly loses it's shock value to those around me. Panic isn't something for those that love me to worry over anymore; rather, it's a tired shtick that is more annoying than anything. Of course, I also run the risk of creating a "cry wolf situation".

So, another demon to face: panic. The good news (sarcasm) is the only way to deal with panic, is to deal with it as it's happening. I'm not looking forward to that, but I am looking forward to moving past it.

wanted: directions for being an adult partner

One of the most obvious problems that occurs because of my abuse is my inability/lack of knowledge of how to be a partner in a true adult relationship. In my marriage, I'm fine when things are good...I can be a good partner. When there's something difficult to deal with, not so much. I am starting to understand that I share my life with my wife and that we deal with things together, but for some reason, it always feels "off" to me. My wife senses it, saying that I'm "acting weird". To me, it feels anxious and panicky...I feel like the difficult situation will cause an irreparable rift between us, even though that's not even close to the case. I cognitively recognize that "things" in life will be easier to carry when the load is shared with my wife...I just need to live that way. I'm working on it...

2 thoughts

My wife is actively reading "Allies in Healing", by Laura Davis. She pointed out the following to me:

"And most important, you need to hear him say, repeatedly, that he's committed to working this through so that things can change. His words won't take your pain away, or put your immediate needs in alignment, but they can make a tremendous difference in the way you feel."

I absolutely do feel this way, so for my wife: I am committed 100% to working this through. Thank you for your love and support.

Later on the page, there was this (speaking to the family of an abused person):

"Remind yourself that this is the abuser's fault"

What I found truly interesting was that I didn't read this correctly the first couple of times through. I read it that "it was the abused's fault"...in other words that the mess is my fault. My version is absolutely true in many ways, but it's also important to think of things as stemming from the violation that was the abuse...not in an excuse way, but in a "getting to the bottom of things way". The original mess was the abuser's, the mess that has occurred when I haven't dealt with the abuse is mine.

excuses

I was witness to a conversation this morning that truly highlighted the way in which I use excuses. Party 1 was arguing for a position that truly didn't have a leg to stand on. Party 2 was arguing against the position, using reason. What was most striking was the way in which Party 1 twisted their arguments to fit their case. Weight was given to items that weren't really that important and when that failed, logic was just ignored. This is exactly how I have been living, with everything having and excuse, even if the excuse was the blanket excuse: abuse. I'm going to be alert for my using the term "yes, but" during an argument - in this case, that meant, "that's true, but I don't want to consider that fact because it weakens my side of the argument".

definition: excuse

From Brian Houston (Hillsong Church) -

Excuse: the meat of a lie in the skin of a reason

great scripture from Joel Osteen

From Joel Osteen's "Never Say Die" sermon:

"Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt, your inheritance in the land will be double and your joy will go on forever". (Isaiah 61:7 msg)

Sounds like a promise to me as a survivor if I ever heard one.

the truth

I spent my morning time working on a section of the "Courage to Heal Workbook". I REALLY like the book: it has manageable sections, but they do push the edge, no easy work. It also has a really good method for opening and closing the "session", so you don't expose yourself and feel scared all day (although there's a ton to think about).

Today's work was on telling people now about the abuse and the truth (then and now). I was really amazed at how much I didn't consciously realize that my abuser had laid out so many brainwash lies to keep me from telling. It was strange to think about her making me feel like I was responsible for her. One sentence that is so absurd in retrospect it made me laugh out loud: (A belief she instilled in me was...) "that if I told anyone I would have ruined her life". It's so crazy in retrospect...that she would abuse me and then make me feel like I had the power to ruin HER life. It truly makes me head reel and spin to try to figure that out. I believed it wholeheartedly at the time...I truly felt responsible for HER. Other layers were: 1) I would ruin my life 2) I would ruin my Dad's life by embarrassing him and making his world horrible (be an outcast at his work, force him to move, maybe cause him to disown me) 3) That I would be an outcast and shunned by society forever. Interestingly, my Mom was not a target, because my abuser's assault against her was more combative - I actually was led to believe that I hated her and she hated me.

It's a lot to digest...it's really strange at how much of this I didn't truly accept or realize until I worked through the exercises.

post addendum

My wife read my post where I laid out the points she used to build herself up and offered an important correction:

"I may not feel strong, but I really am BECAUSE I accept and love God - He lives in m heart and that is my center...He is the strength in me that can't be broken or taken away. He dwells in my heart and there's nothing I or anyone else that can take Him away. So when I'm broken down and there's nothing left of me - God is still in the center. And how can you feel weak when God is your center which the rest of yourself is built?"

This is why she truly is my role model for building self worth.

no, really, i am alone

As I mentioned, my marriage is falling apart, which is why I have to heal, once and for all. I'm at work today and panicking, teary-eyed...generally falling apart at the seams. My immediate reaction is to run to someone: call my parents, call a friend...let someone see my hurt, thinking somehow that helps it.

It doesn't.

So today, I'm praying...praying hard. And I'm repeating my wife's saying over and over, "I may feel not strong, but I really am".

I guess this is how you build yourself, huh? Be alone and try to survive? It's foreign to me...and scary as hell...but if it makes a man of me, I'm in...

how to build self-esteem

(See? Short posts make me want to post more :-) )

My wife has built herself up to be an amazing, self confident person...I asked her how she did it...these are my road map:

1. Make no excuses
2. Set really high standards
3. When you get answers from God, you have to do them
4. You have to WANT to be happy with yourself
5. You must take care of yourself
6. Do everything to be happy with yourself, no matter how hard those steps are
7. Ask yourself: When I am by myself, am I happy with myself
8. Pray for strength to do whatever is needed to do what is needed, regardless of other people
9. Don't build self-worth through big events, but through daily events...one day turns into three days, into a week, into a month
10. You have to want to have a good history and every day is building history
11. Joel Osteen says God promises you can and will be happy
12. You either believe or you don't - nothing in the middle
13. Sometimes you don't feel strong, but you have to know you are
14. Inside is a rock, emotions don't change that core

I'm all that's left

9/17/09

My world has been completely destroyed.

I have driven my wife away completely by my refusal to heal and my reluctance to let go of the hurt, pain, shame, guilt, etc.

I want her back so badly I can't stand it...but I know that I can't win her over without healing me, completely, once and for all.

So I am repurposing this blog...I've been waiting to write until I had a dramatic and elegant thesis to post, which is just my way of hiding behind one more thing. From here on out, I'm going to be posting more, but most likely in shorter posts, with an emphasis on being completely honest and open about my life and what's going on right then. I'm working through the "Courage To Heal" workbook, so I would guess that a lot of that will show up here too.

The blog is for my thoughts, because, quite frankly, no one in my life is left:

• my parents are sick of the victim
• my in-laws don't talk to me anymore
• my brother can't deal with my whining
• my sister-in-law in avoidant and unavailable for my selfish rants
• my friends are sick of the depression and the gloom
• my wife...is ready to leave me

God is there for me, but not if I don't work for myself. I've often prayed for miracles, but I know in my heart of hearts that He is not going to move until I move in faith to heal myself and protect myself.

I think this is the absolute bottom...I'm alone, I'm scared, I'm unbelievably sad...and there's nothing to do but start...

Reality, or is it 'Reality As I See It'?

One of the most disturbing and frustrating things that I do on a regular basis is make up my own reality. I suppose, if I wanted to dissect this psychologically, I would find that creating realities was a decent coping mechanism during abuse. If you can believe that the horror of reality isn't really reality, life might be tolerable.

As George from Seinfeld explained, "is isn't lying if YOU believe it".

What faking reality has done, however, is allow me to hide behind that fantasy (irreality?) instead of facing life, taking ownership of the "way it is", and making changes for a better life. I suppose that I've been too scared or lazy to do these steps...typically victim stuff.

I know that this behavior isn't moving me to a place I want to be (trust me...not even close!), so I thought this would be a good place to list some realities...in no particular order...but these items are me, right now, that must change:

1. I'm a horrible husband.
   
2. I'm unwilling to take care of myself. Eating right, sleeping right, exercising right, etc.
3. I'm often scared and anxious, not unlike a little child.
4. I'm not a good friend.
5. I'm selfish, egotistical, and self centered.
6. I'm scared of intimacy and therefore am a bad lover.
7. I'm a procrastinator, putting off everything and anything.
8. I'm an even bigger procrastinator when I fear something...ostrich with his head in the sand.
9. I have never built, or felt I have deserved to build, self-esteem.
10. I'm worried about people liking me...often at the cost of those that do like me.
11. I don't know how to say "no".
12. I put my wife, then girlfriend, through hell when we were dating.
13. I didn't put attention and care into my proposal to my wife...resulting in a hideous time.
14. I ruined our wedding, cancelling the first date, and not making the second incredible (not making the second one anything, really).
15. I am egotistical.
16. I play the victim role for comfort.
17. I get embarrassed easily, because of my lack of self-esteem.
18. I am always competing, except if I can't win, I play the victim.
19. I am bad son.
20. I am a worse brother.
21. I keep all the facets of my life separate.
22. I play roles too much instead of being me.
23. I am lazy.
24. I am a bad husband (worth repeating...a few times, really).
25. I am a bad listener.
26. I am controlling.
27. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror...especially deep into my own eyes.
28. I truly don't understand a lot of the time.
29. I live in weird windows of reality instead of real reality.
30. I don't completely grasp that I'm 35.
31. I mope for attention.
32. I don't think I'm really worth anything.
33. I ignore bad situations by pretending them away.

These are just a very few of the things that I cannot remain to be...