God the Father

I've become increasingly aware that my relationship with God is, quite frankly, messed up. I turned to God after a spiritual wandering that left me empty, confused, and lonely. What I see myself doing is creating a relationship with Him that causes the same feelings. While driving this morning, I found that my template for my heavenly Father is no different than that which I have used with my earthly father: I love him/Him and desperately want that love back. But I try to please him/Him by "following rules" and never can do it right. I finally pop and rage against my father/Father. For my earthly dad it was a full tilt curse-out that occurred my senior year in high school...for my heavenly Father it comes in tirades that I respectfully keep clear of expletives. The sentiment is same coming out...why didn't you intervene? Why don't you care? Where were and are you? So you care about others, but not me? After all I tried to do for you? Seriously?

So, my religion is modeled after a 13-year old...lovely. I'm more scared of God's repercussions than happy for blessings...unless it's someone else, then I can preach the "correct" argument. I get stuck in the "rules" (ie dogmatic practices) of church rather than see myself as able to come to Him. I wonder if the common symbolism of "going to your Father" isn't a hang-up, since my model for that has been altered.

So, I definitely love the Lord, but I'm struggling with Him. I know He's there, but am not getting the response from Him I'm seeking. I know cognitively that this is a problem with me that has to be overcome...

blue

Quite often, I avoid connecting directly with my feelings...trace that back to the standard model "abuse victim". I've been feeling them today, though. It's an unbelievably heavy sadness when I really think about it all: not just the abuse time, but the mistakes I've made afterward ("because of"), the people I've hurt and still hurt. What I've become and my stubbornness to bust out of that mold. I've spent most of this morning trying outrun the blues, but I finally just sat down and let them catch me...it's that dull heartachey sadness...

I certainly don't want to sit here in and become a victim of it, at all. I'm lucky to have an impromptu therapy appointment today, so that something to fight all of this is on the schedule, disallowing me from wallowing in the sadness.

my problem: my wife

The effects of abuse on my marriage are profound: sex life is completely in the toilet, there's a constant need healing, the abuse symptoms manifest in weird ways, my victim-ness comes out all too often. Sex is particularly weird - lately our sex life has just been horrible...all of which has been my fault. In the past, I would want to run for the hills, or, as the Courage to Heal Workbook pointed out all too well, I would sabotage everything. The problem is, I really love my wife. She is my soulmate and I can't stand that everything is so hard for her in our marriage. Working through all of this with her is hard...and I know it's crazy hard for her. I will continue working each and everyday...in large part because my wife won't and hasn't given up and also because she truly has caputured my heart and soul. My love for her is greater than my fears...I have to leverage that everyday. I hate that the effects are as they are...I feel especially sorry for my wife. She is amazing to stay with me, because she did nothing to deserve all of this. She *has* to be an angel, for I don't think a mere mortal could stand it. She is beautiful, sexy, funny, intelligent and all around amazing...I see her face when I feel weak and know that I cannot quit. For my old habits, my problem is my wife.

falling down...and getting back up

My wife and I got into a horrible discussion last night (this morning) about 2am...basically, my wife still feels lonely, is upset that I don't talk about anything meaningful, and is unsure if I'm truly changing, or just treading water. Her words were that she could be with an abuse survivor, but couldn't be with an abuse survivor that wasn't doing anything for themselves.

I felt the knee-jerk reactions (based on coping mechanisms) crop up quickly:

1. Get mad and want to yell and stomp out of the room (running away)
2. Get mad, throw the whole relationship on the table and muddy the waters (creating chaos)
3. Get sad and blame my situation (playing the victim)

I would love to say that not one of these things leaked out, but that's completely untrue. But, ultimately, I prayed to God. I let Him know that He had a problem and that I needed Him to work through me to fix it. I listened to the words my wife said. I feel horrible that she's been so lonely and it's true that my conversations have not been deep and intimate. I'm going to fix this immediately: I'm going to start tonight off by really talking about my wife and see how she's really doing inside...what she's thinking. I'm going to talk about the thoughts I jot down in this blog, instead of using it as a conduit (or a shield, perhaps?). My wife also talked about me not taking care of myself as well as I should. I'm heading to bed by 11, sleeping by 11:30, every night this week. I'm lucky that my normal late Thursday is altered this week, so I can really do this. I've got to adopt a "in bed by 11, come Hell or high water" attitude. I'm going to kiss my wife...really kiss her...more than ever. I'm going to try to connect with her and feel her soul next to mine.

Basically, I'm tearing down walls I have up to get to her heart. "Screw it" is kinda what I'm saying to those habits of protection. Jump off the high dive, take the turn...just do it. I love my wife so much...she is my support and my soulmate. She deserves to feel loved too...and that's just what I'm going to do.

And the 1,2,3 above doesn't get me there...being honest, being open, and being loving is the only way.

(To my wife: I love you...I'm so sorry I've been closed down...I will fix this NOW)

robbery

One of the biggest "robberies" of abuse, in my experience, has been of self-esteem/worth/etc. As I review some of the coping mechanisms that I have used in my life, I find most of them were born out of a need to protect the "self" in one way or another. My age at the the initiation of the abuse (12) was certainly prime for the mangling of self. That age is one of searching, attempting to discover, etc, and when abuse hit the mix I'm sure it was easy to scramble. As I work through my healing, the recurring theme is that I have to believe in me, first and foremost.

she's the brain

In my marriage, my wife is truly the brains of the operation. Recently, I've felt grouchy, kinda angry, and grumpy...which my wife noticed. I finally tried to explain last night how I felt, but that I didn't know why I felt that way. She knew right away. When I was going through "the courage to heal workbook", the easy parts were empowering. Moving through the exercises, following through, good stuff. As I mentioned a few posts ago, I started to hit the heavy stuff...and I stopped being so aggressive with the workbook (the second part was what my wife noticed). My wife told me that as soon as I hit the hard stuff, I stopped being aggressive. I truly didn't notice.

So, this morning, I dug back into the workbook...and it is crazy hard to go through. But, I can't and won't quit.

poison

Some of the thoughts that abuse put in me are truly poisonous. I had an uprising of poison thinking yesterday - I felt bad, acted grouchy...it just felt like there was the "cloud" covering everything. Even great things had a haze over them. When that cloud descends, it's difficult to push through it...in fact, I didn't push through it yesterday. In retrospect, I can see that it's just poison thinking welling up and it's certainly not the truth. I'm glad that it only lasted a day, but I've got to better about pushing the poison away and seeing things as they truly are.