I bet Superman is more of a '5 hour energy' type of guy

Overclocking, in information technology terms, means to run a computer component at a speed higher than the manufacturer originally intended, so that performance increases. Obviously, possible side effects are overheating, damage to components, etc.

I overclock my physical being in horrendous ways. My average for sleep is 4 hours per night, although it is not unusual to see less. I push through the sleep deprivation with will power and caffeine...a lot of caffeine. Coffee is consumed in mass quantities and, for a rapid boost, Starbucks bottled frappuccino can be downed very, very quickly to flood the brain with artificial alertness. I had to give up Monster, Red Bull, Sobe Energy, and the other energy-chemical cocktails when my wife saw them becoming a bit of a problem. (How many empty monster drink containers can be on one car floor? A lot.)

I do have a busy schedule: I work a demanding full-time job, have contractual work I do outside of the main job, and hold important roles in my church. For these items alone, I average about 13 and a half hours per week on the road getting to a from various locations. I also am a full-time graduate student. The program I'm in demands weekly class interaction, readings, and writings along with exams and a major paper per semester. In addition to all of this, I have husband duties, house duties, family duties, etc.

And I am tired.

Tired past a-frappuccino-infusion-will-save-it stage. Tired as in nodding off behind the wheel tired. Losing chunks of time tired. "Snapping to" in meetings, wondering if I was asleep or just zoned out tired. Body bloating tired.

When I'm this run down, time plays tricks on me. Days feel like an eternity and a blink of an eye all at once. Weeks peel off of the calendar with no warning. Months evaporate without a trace.

The funny thing (funny used loosely here) is that being awake, being busy, has not been satisfying. I have longings to travel more, to experience more, to laugh more, to see more, to be with friends and family more, to feel real intimacy with my wife more (which is an entire subject for another post). I'm not having fun. I'm not experiencing life. I'm not seeing the roses, much less smelling them. I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Sure, I'm doing well at work, school, and church, but I can't honestly tell you how that's happening. I know that I've been blessed to be able to cram tasks into "holes' of time in which they should not fit. The "cramming" in itself creates a sense of running away from a monster that is continually catching up. I'm trying to be invincible, bullet-proof, Superman.

And I'm intelligent enough to know that I'm none of these things. I'm terrified that it will all catch up to me. I don't know how I'm able to score well on school tasks...one day Superman will look up, realize the essay is due and it's not done yet. Church tasks are run on a wire. One day I will not have my stuff together when it counts. Work tasks pile up constantly - eventually I will be pinned under one and won't be able to get out from under it.

As far as my physical health goes, I've been warned. I went to a sleep specialist when this all started, because at the time the symptoms could pointed toward insomnia. An overnight sleep test revealed no abnormalities which led the doctor to tell me that either I a) get more sleep by going to bed earlier and staying there longer, or b) will have serious health issues and possibly die.

And yet, I push. I've been trying to figure out why - here are the best 2 theories I've come up with thus far:

1. I don't know how to take care of myself. From what I've said earlier in this post, obviously I know the steps to take care of myself (got to bed, stay there). What I don't know is how to make myself a priority and to take charge of my health. I really seem to have a lack of self worth that is clearly reflected outward by this behavior. I feel horribly guilty if I make my sleep a priority. I feel like I have to be invincible, I have to be perfect, I have to be Superman, and yet, I know in my heart I am none of those things. I feel scared if I show weaknesses in some areas (and not in others - VERY weird) and I've somehow attached being mortal when it comes to sleep as a weakness. I also feel very vulnerable if I take a stand for myself (and I'm not even up again opposition!). It's sad to realize that I don't love myself enough to make myself a priority. It's something that I'm not sure how to overcome. I have to take care of myself or I can be certain that healing won't happen or won't stick.
2. Being busy and exhausted leaves little time to feel. This is classic, according to the texts I've been reading. Obsessions, whether drugs, alcohol, work, etc., take the place of living in the pain that is reality. Running away from problems. Dissociation. I've long known that I am a dissociation king, which I needed to use to survive for a long time. What I didn't realize is how possible it is that my overexertion is an addiction, of sorts.

What I really think is that there is some combination of these two theories going on. I'm not loving myself enough to take care of myself, which creates a vulnerability to allow for the obsessive overexertion. It's a difficult place to be since, like all addictions, it's hard to see the problem when you are in the problem. I'm not sure how to fix this, but I definitely want to. I know I'll have to face both the anxiety of loving myself along with the pain of attaching to the abusive past. I've already made huge headway into feeling (with a LOT more to go), so now is the perfect time to try to love myself. Loving myself is something I need to write about...but I'll save that for another post.

Until then, I'll keep working and maybe, just maybe, try to get some rest...