Land, Ho! No, sorry...still sea...

A teacher once described making progress in life as similar to steering a ship - if you point the ship at a target and hold the wheel steady, you will never reach your goal. The ever changing pushing of the sea requires that the wheel be constantly adjusted to take into account the waves that push the ship to a fro. Only through flexibility to not stay on the straight line will the "straight line voyage" be successful.

This is frustrating in "normal life" (a term I'm not sure is true, but I'll use here to differentiate from my experiences), but incredibly difficult in the healing process. I've been pushed by the waves a lot as of late. The lack of blogging is a prime example - I was writing fairly regularly, making it a priority. In the past week or so, I've let it slip behind other priorities. I find myself several degrees off course...time to readjust.

My work with my wife and home responsibilities is another area in which I've had to constantly adjust. I made a pledge a couple of weeks ago that, since I know that I will mess up and return to old habits, the millisecond I recognize that this has happened, I will fix it and move to a positive position. ("5 degrees starboard!") What amazes me is how many times I have to adjust and how frustrating it is. My turns of the wheel as of late:

1) I promised my wife that I would take a day off of work to work on outstanding yard work. The day approached and I forgot...I let it slip of the radar. The night before the day arrived, my wife became incredibly upset. To her, this signified not caring about our home, not keeping my word, and "falling off" of the healing wagon. Very fair assessments. To fix it, I called in the sick the next day and did my yard work. Not the optimal fix, but I felt deep inside I *had* to do it.

2) My wife and I went couch shopping and really felt close during the process. We were picking out a major item for our house. We settled on the couch...my job was to go back to the store, do the credit dealing, bring the couch home. 3 weeks (let that sink in) passed...I avoided the situation. I know through introspection and therapy that I avoid out of (mostly unjustified) fear. I was scared of the credit check - my earlier life was not "credit-pretty", but it is good now. Even so, I avoided the situation. What I did do was hurt my wife's feelings - I didn't talk about being scared, I didn't realize that I was hurting her feelings - "why doesn't he want to share this experience and make our home better?"

3) Reading and workbooks. I have read a few chapters of my latest book, but haven't set a dedicated time to do the reading, nor have I demanded of myself that reading and workbooks is made a priority. It is SO easy to let this slip...and this does not help the healing process.

So I adjust. Turn, turn, turn. What I am dedicated to is not stopping. Realizing how ingrained abuse made some beliefs and how firmly rooted bad habits are is so frustrating. There are times when I suddenly realize I'm messing up (without realizing AT ALL prior) and feel this sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel sick..."I can't believe I messed this up!"

As I'm turning, adjusting, moving...I want to let my beautiful wife know something: I love you. I'm sorry for every time I hurt your feelings, for every time my old, bad habits surface. I am dedicated to healing and dedicated to you. Thank you for your amazing patience, of which I am unworthy. I know that the "other side" holds beautiful life for us. I know I will fall, but I will always get up and make things right. I love you.