Let's see I.D.

I mentioned mourning a couple of posts ago, which has been a hard, strange trip. A recent event made me drop into a significant depression that I didn't see coming.

My wife and I have friends that just sent their daughter to college. Here was this girl, who we have known since she was just a girl, who seemingly overnight turned into a young woman ready to spread her wings and leave home. I saw the happy/sad/excited/nervous part of going away and it struck a bizarre chord in me.

It jolted me into the realization that I am not that age, at all. I think of my college years as a struggle that I ultimately lost - I ran over 700 miles away only to crumble (with a semester to go, no less) under the strain of having my abuse unresolved. I saw college as my salvation, only to have it not be. I saw it as a chance to be "normal", which didn't happen. Somehow, in my mind, I didn't stick myself back at age 12; rather, I continued to hold some sense that I was "just out of college"...young, fresh, ready for the world with time to spare. Seeing our friend's daughter made me realize that this is absolutely incorrect. I'm 35 years old...leaving for college was over a DECADE ago. Heck, leaving college under the pressure was a decade ago! I'm closer to 40 than 25. I'm not "going to clubs", drinking, partying, etc age anymore...I'm really grown up.

So why do parts of my soul hurt like a child? And how can I leave that chapter behind with grace and peace instead of a sense of loss? Why does this realization make me sad? Will I ever not be behind, missing the present by thinking I'm in the past? How do I live as the real now? Who or what am I supposed to be like at this age? I feel so much pressure to be something right now, but I'm not 100% sure what that "something" is...I mean, I can only be me, but...

My advice to our friend's daughter? Live in the here and now and soak it all in. Live life in the present and live it to it's fullest. Don't wish for the future or the past you'll miss chunks of your existence which you can never get back.