God the Father

I've become increasingly aware that my relationship with God is, quite frankly, messed up. I turned to God after a spiritual wandering that left me empty, confused, and lonely. What I see myself doing is creating a relationship with Him that causes the same feelings. While driving this morning, I found that my template for my heavenly Father is no different than that which I have used with my earthly father: I love him/Him and desperately want that love back. But I try to please him/Him by "following rules" and never can do it right. I finally pop and rage against my father/Father. For my earthly dad it was a full tilt curse-out that occurred my senior year in high school...for my heavenly Father it comes in tirades that I respectfully keep clear of expletives. The sentiment is same coming out...why didn't you intervene? Why don't you care? Where were and are you? So you care about others, but not me? After all I tried to do for you? Seriously?

So, my religion is modeled after a 13-year old...lovely. I'm more scared of God's repercussions than happy for blessings...unless it's someone else, then I can preach the "correct" argument. I get stuck in the "rules" (ie dogmatic practices) of church rather than see myself as able to come to Him. I wonder if the common symbolism of "going to your Father" isn't a hang-up, since my model for that has been altered.

So, I definitely love the Lord, but I'm struggling with Him. I know He's there, but am not getting the response from Him I'm seeking. I know cognitively that this is a problem with me that has to be overcome...