falling down...and getting back up

My wife and I got into a horrible discussion last night (this morning) about 2am...basically, my wife still feels lonely, is upset that I don't talk about anything meaningful, and is unsure if I'm truly changing, or just treading water. Her words were that she could be with an abuse survivor, but couldn't be with an abuse survivor that wasn't doing anything for themselves.

I felt the knee-jerk reactions (based on coping mechanisms) crop up quickly:

1. Get mad and want to yell and stomp out of the room (running away)
2. Get mad, throw the whole relationship on the table and muddy the waters (creating chaos)
3. Get sad and blame my situation (playing the victim)

I would love to say that not one of these things leaked out, but that's completely untrue. But, ultimately, I prayed to God. I let Him know that He had a problem and that I needed Him to work through me to fix it. I listened to the words my wife said. I feel horrible that she's been so lonely and it's true that my conversations have not been deep and intimate. I'm going to fix this immediately: I'm going to start tonight off by really talking about my wife and see how she's really doing inside...what she's thinking. I'm going to talk about the thoughts I jot down in this blog, instead of using it as a conduit (or a shield, perhaps?). My wife also talked about me not taking care of myself as well as I should. I'm heading to bed by 11, sleeping by 11:30, every night this week. I'm lucky that my normal late Thursday is altered this week, so I can really do this. I've got to adopt a "in bed by 11, come Hell or high water" attitude. I'm going to kiss my wife...really kiss her...more than ever. I'm going to try to connect with her and feel her soul next to mine.

Basically, I'm tearing down walls I have up to get to her heart. "Screw it" is kinda what I'm saying to those habits of protection. Jump off the high dive, take the turn...just do it. I love my wife so much...she is my support and my soulmate. She deserves to feel loved too...and that's just what I'm going to do.

And the 1,2,3 above doesn't get me there...being honest, being open, and being loving is the only way.

(To my wife: I love you...I'm so sorry I've been closed down...I will fix this NOW)