blue

Quite often, I avoid connecting directly with my feelings...trace that back to the standard model "abuse victim". I've been feeling them today, though. It's an unbelievably heavy sadness when I really think about it all: not just the abuse time, but the mistakes I've made afterward ("because of"), the people I've hurt and still hurt. What I've become and my stubbornness to bust out of that mold. I've spent most of this morning trying outrun the blues, but I finally just sat down and let them catch me...it's that dull heartachey sadness...

I certainly don't want to sit here in and become a victim of it, at all. I'm lucky to have an impromptu therapy appointment today, so that something to fight all of this is on the schedule, disallowing me from wallowing in the sadness.