the truth

I spent my morning time working on a section of the "Courage to Heal Workbook". I REALLY like the book: it has manageable sections, but they do push the edge, no easy work. It also has a really good method for opening and closing the "session", so you don't expose yourself and feel scared all day (although there's a ton to think about).

Today's work was on telling people now about the abuse and the truth (then and now). I was really amazed at how much I didn't consciously realize that my abuser had laid out so many brainwash lies to keep me from telling. It was strange to think about her making me feel like I was responsible for her. One sentence that is so absurd in retrospect it made me laugh out loud: (A belief she instilled in me was...) "that if I told anyone I would have ruined her life". It's so crazy in retrospect...that she would abuse me and then make me feel like I had the power to ruin HER life. It truly makes me head reel and spin to try to figure that out. I believed it wholeheartedly at the time...I truly felt responsible for HER. Other layers were: 1) I would ruin my life 2) I would ruin my Dad's life by embarrassing him and making his world horrible (be an outcast at his work, force him to move, maybe cause him to disown me) 3) That I would be an outcast and shunned by society forever. Interestingly, my Mom was not a target, because my abuser's assault against her was more combative - I actually was led to believe that I hated her and she hated me.

It's a lot to digest...it's really strange at how much of this I didn't truly accept or realize until I worked through the exercises.