Reality, or is it 'Reality As I See It'?

One of the most disturbing and frustrating things that I do on a regular basis is make up my own reality. I suppose, if I wanted to dissect this psychologically, I would find that creating realities was a decent coping mechanism during abuse. If you can believe that the horror of reality isn't really reality, life might be tolerable.

As George from Seinfeld explained, "is isn't lying if YOU believe it".

What faking reality has done, however, is allow me to hide behind that fantasy (irreality?) instead of facing life, taking ownership of the "way it is", and making changes for a better life. I suppose that I've been too scared or lazy to do these steps...typically victim stuff.

I know that this behavior isn't moving me to a place I want to be (trust me...not even close!), so I thought this would be a good place to list some realities...in no particular order...but these items are me, right now, that must change:

1. I'm a horrible husband.
   
2. I'm unwilling to take care of myself. Eating right, sleeping right, exercising right, etc.
3. I'm often scared and anxious, not unlike a little child.
4. I'm not a good friend.
5. I'm selfish, egotistical, and self centered.
6. I'm scared of intimacy and therefore am a bad lover.
7. I'm a procrastinator, putting off everything and anything.
8. I'm an even bigger procrastinator when I fear something...ostrich with his head in the sand.
9. I have never built, or felt I have deserved to build, self-esteem.
10. I'm worried about people liking me...often at the cost of those that do like me.
11. I don't know how to say "no".
12. I put my wife, then girlfriend, through hell when we were dating.
13. I didn't put attention and care into my proposal to my wife...resulting in a hideous time.
14. I ruined our wedding, cancelling the first date, and not making the second incredible (not making the second one anything, really).
15. I am egotistical.
16. I play the victim role for comfort.
17. I get embarrassed easily, because of my lack of self-esteem.
18. I am always competing, except if I can't win, I play the victim.
19. I am bad son.
20. I am a worse brother.
21. I keep all the facets of my life separate.
22. I play roles too much instead of being me.
23. I am lazy.
24. I am a bad husband (worth repeating...a few times, really).
25. I am a bad listener.
26. I am controlling.
27. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror...especially deep into my own eyes.
28. I truly don't understand a lot of the time.
29. I live in weird windows of reality instead of real reality.
30. I don't completely grasp that I'm 35.
31. I mope for attention.
32. I don't think I'm really worth anything.
33. I ignore bad situations by pretending them away.

These are just a very few of the things that I cannot remain to be...