tool turns to weapon

One of the more difficult things (aren't almost all of the "things" with abuse recovery falling under the category of "difficult?) to come to terms with in recovery is how things that were helpful tools during the abuse have actually turned into weapons after the abuse. A prime example for me in panic...obviously, panic during the abuse is understandable and probably to be expected. It was an appropriate reaction that rose up in circumstances of danger. Unfortunately, during the abuse, those circumstances were common and pretty much constant. Thus, panic ripped out of control for quite a while.

Now, after the abuse, my panic has 2 problems. First, it triggers strangely, quickly, and out of balance with the situation I'm facing. I can go from 0 to panic in no time, without a throttle, and often without real cause.

The second problem is how I've built it into my life. As an older, more mature person, I actually use panic to avoid dealing with things I don't want to deal with. Panic has become a "trump card" of sorts. Now that I've accepted that I'm in recovery, this use can't happen any more. It keeps me away from real responsibility, which is necessary to grow. It also keeps me from dealing with situations that are unpleasant in a reasonable way. Unfortunately, unpleasant situations can't be avoided.

Panic used in this manner quickly loses it's shock value to those around me. Panic isn't something for those that love me to worry over anymore; rather, it's a tired shtick that is more annoying than anything. Of course, I also run the risk of creating a "cry wolf situation".

So, another demon to face: panic. The good news (sarcasm) is the only way to deal with panic, is to deal with it as it's happening. I'm not looking forward to that, but I am looking forward to moving past it.